That’s kind of a funny title, right? Because at a basic level, a new dad can do the same things a new mom can do, except for breastfeed and recover from childbirth. Actually, given that he’s not himself recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, and certainly not walloped by postpartum hormones, he can likely do even more.

But, the reality of modern maternity leave means that a woman recovering from childbirth is also the one tasked with learning how to take care of a baby. As The Atlantic explored over a year ago in “Daddy Track: The Case For Paternity Leave”, who takes part in the newborn learning curve often ends up still being a primary parent years down the line. In other words, if a dad is involved during the early days of his child’s life, chances are he will still share the domestic load years later.

Dave was very interested in being an involved dad, even before Bean was born. We strategized for ways to include him — keeping in mind that the only thing he couldn’t do was breastfeed — and when Bean was born, he sprung into action.

Here are a few things he did that I think had long term positive effects:

 

1)  He took a month of paternity leave.

I know, I know. We are very lucky. We’re also lucky to live in California, and specifically the Bay Area, where paternity leave is mandated and accepted. Dave’s workplace may be even more progressive than most other Bay Area offices, too; his male colleagues routinely go on paternity leaves lasting months.

In order to pull this off, he saved his sick and vacation leave for a year, to make sure he’d still get paid while he was off.

The benefit of paternity leave is that he learned the ropes at the same time I did. From the first confusing days at the hospital, he was by my side figuring everything out. (And there is SO MUCH to figure out.) He was there for the first disastrous diaper changes; he was the first one to try out the Ergo. He was right there with me staring at the shrieking newborn, bewildered and wondering what to do. He searched KellyMom.com as much as I did. After a few weeks, we’d fallen into a rhythm that we had both learned together.

 

In the long term, he’s always felt as comfortable as I have comforting her, changing her, or putting her to sleep. Maybe even more comfortable…

 

2) I didn’t change a diaper for the first month.

It only seemed fair if I was the one breastfeeding, he should also have a dedicated task. So, diapering was all him for the first month.

Part of this is that he was the one that researched and found all the changing gear. He figured out which diapers he liked best, which wipes he preferred, which diaper creams worked best for which maladies, and what the changing routine would be.

Two and a half years later, I still never really got into the hang of diaper changing and he was always more comfortable with it. He’s still the one that knows when we need more diapers and what size to get. This supports the thesis that who takes part in the early learning curve, ends up with that responsibility moving forward.

 

3) Related, I also didn’t give Bean any baths.

Baths were his territory from the start. He was the one who watched the nurses to see how they did it, and then he read and reread the pertinent section of “What to Expect the First Year.” It was all up to him when to move on from the sponge bath to baby bathtub, from the baby bathtub to the big tub. He picked out her bath tub and soap.

Again, in support of The Atlantic’s thesis, over two years later, I’ve only given Bean a handful of baths and still feel nervous about it when I do. Even she gives me looks like, “Mommy, what are you doing and where is Daddy and do you even know how to do this?” I didn’t get on the bath learning curve; he did.

(Of course, early on, I was on standby to help him flip and turn the baby, to hand him supplies and then whisk her away in a towel. But, being the assistant is a far cry from being the boss.)

 

4) He brought me a cookie and a glass of water every time I had to breastfeed.

As we’ve discussed, breastfeeding a newborn takes forever. A standard feeding session lasts 40 minutes, and I had to do that every two hours. So, yes, I had 1 hour 20 minutes until I had to go back to breastfeeding. If the baby is clusterfeeding, then you’re basically on the sofa for hours, unable to move.

Which is why a cookie and glass of water is so freaking nice. You’re stuck; breastfeeding would also trigger the thirst of the dying as soon as she latched on. Dave’s pretty much gets bonus points for life for those treats.

 

5) Related, he kept track of when I needed to take my medicines.

I was way too tired and wiped out to have any clue whether it was even day or night; if not for his timer, I would have forgotten to taken my meds completely.

And, he also brought me the pill, with a cookie and a glass of water.

Cookies factored heavily into the fourth trimester, as they should.

 

That’s enough for today. Part 2 explores what mattered once he went back to work.

Also, feel free to jump in with more ideas. I’m sure there are a multitude of ways for dads to get involved early on.