See, I told you things would be different around here.

The San Francisco Momiform* is a bit of a land mine. There’s the usual San Francisco microclimates and mid-October heat waves to account for, but mom-dressing is an exercise in function, utility, and not looking like you’ve completely given up.

Enter the Momiform, something you can slip into in 3 minutes, which will survive Toddler Art Class and will help you fake that you’re somewhat put together and have figured out this mom thing.

Oh, and you need to be able to haul 40lbs of toddler and goods, across subway platforms and up several flights of steps. And sprint and maneuver strollers down San Francisco’s 45 degree inclines and sometimes even sprint down 45 degree inclines. And the postpartum camouflaging bit, which, yes, I’m still dealing with as Bean approaches 2. (It takes a while.)

*Momiform, term courtesy of Shana at The Mom Edit, which you should be reading if you are a mom, pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or a woman.

Without further ado, My San Francisco Momiform:
1. Black skinny jeans — Levi’s regular skinny jeans are rigid and slightly roomy. I roll the hems as my non-committal nod to harem pants. (I’m not buying those things until I know they’re here to stay.)

2. Everlane grey tank top — Everlane has mastered the perfectly slouchy tee shirt and tank top, ideal for skimming over a Mom tummy. Tuck in slightly in the front, like you’re a middle school boy circa 1994.

3. Oversized cardigan — Cardigan in lieu of jacket if you hit a cold snap in the Sunset or Richmond. Jackets are too restrictive, get stuffy under an Ergo, and don’t fit over an Ergo.

4. Pastel ankle-strap sandals — The ankle strap is key for sprinting at the playground, and for making sure you’re sturdy navigating steep hills. Yes, mine are Statue of Liberty green. I like skin color adjacent hues, for balancing out the roomy cardigan and black jeans.

5. Belt — A nice belt will A) paired with a slouchy top, provide some Mom tummy camouflaging and B) pull an outfit together in one step. It shouts, “I Put At Least 3 Seconds Of Thought Into This Outfit.”

6. Scarf/headband — Tied in the shape of a headband. My quick method for hiding postpartum hair loss regrowth. It’s either this or Farrah Fawcett hair wings and a bun mullet.

7. Simple gold bracelet — Like the belt, it radiates, “I’m Trying.”

8. Fancier pony tail holders — I figured if I’m going to wear them everyday, might as well not be some cheap rubber thing from Walgreens. Mama is treating herself something special. And they look totally fine on your wrist next to your bracelet.

9. Large sun glasses — How we all hide tired and/or weary Mom eyes. These also get bonus points for making me feel like a motorcycle cop.

10. Backpack — I gave up on a diaper bag for a normal backpack. It works really well with an Ergo, and the laptop compartment is surprisingly useful for separating diapering supplies from everything else supplies.

So, there it is. My current solution. What are you all wearing these days?