Unless you are extremely fortunate, at some point, dad will have to go back to work while the new mom continues to care for the newborn.

As we discussed in Part 1, how much a new dad is present and included in the newborn learning curve may dictate how involved he is as a parent years down the road.

Part 1 was all about what he can do while he’s off from work on paternity leave (if he gets any). In Part 2, let’s talk about what a new dad can do after he’s gone back to work.

Here’s what worked for me and Dave.

 

1. Try to stay as in-tune as possible with the mom’s day to day

This could be in the form of emails or texts home to ask how things are going, or being responsive if she emails you. Or, ask how naps went today, how many naps, etc. Maintain the intimacy of a team effort, even though one of you is back to work.

The more she becomes the sole expert on parenting the child now, the harder it will be to break that cycle later. Know how many naps your baby takes, know how she gets him to go to sleep, know what struggles she has. In other words, communicate everything.

 

2. Let her know when you’ll be home and stick to it

Dave comes home at 5:30pm. Everyday, I would check the clock and when it was 4:30pm, start my countdown.

“You can do this, just 40 more minutes. Hang in there, hang in there.”

“Ok ok, only a half hour to go, you got this. You can do this.”

“Alright, 20 minutes. You can do 20 minutes, easy.”

At 10 minutes, my heart would start relaxing in glee that my shift would soon be over.

This is why you don’t want to call at this point, and inform her, surprise, you haven’t left the office yet. She is exhausted, overwhelmed, and has likely listened to hours of crying today (either the baby’s or her own). She is desperate to tag out for a few minutes.

 

3. Once home, go back to a team approach

Dave would come home and immediately take Bean from me for some Daddy-baby cuddling. It is such a welcome break from the day you just had, and chances are the baby is equally happy to see a fresh face. (And all babies love Daddies. It’s just the way of things.)

Once home, Dave would slip back into his paternity leave days and go back to the being the point person on diapering, bath, and sleep routines. I stuck to feedings and household chores. Even today, we still trade off child care tasks throughout the evening, evolving as Bean’s needs have changed.

 

4. Bring treats just for her

Especially true if she’s on some horrible elimination diet.

Once Dave brought home a chocolate bar, saying, “I think you can eat this! I looked at the ingredients over and over again and I didn’t see anything. Right? Can you eat this?”

He might as well have proposed all over again.

 

5. Take the baby for a long walk, alone

The trouble with being a new mom is that you still remember what your childless life was like. You remember being able to walk down the street, say, alone. New mom may need a break from the babybabybabybabybaby reality of her new life.

Dave would take Bean on long walks in the Ergo or stroller on Saturday afternoons, giving me one hour of blissful parenting-free time per week.

 

6.  Go shopping for new clothes together

A new mom is struggling with clothes. Her maternity clothes don’t fit, her old clothes don’t fit, she’s a weird size, and her body is not the same as it was. She doesn’t even know what size she is, so online shopping won’t cut it. She needs to try things on.

You know what’s nearly impossible? Shopping alone with a newborn. So, new dad, go shopping with her. You’re in charge of baby, so she can focus on shopping. We did this for a few weekends in a row, until I had a workable postpartum wardrobe. It was critical to feeling normal again.

 

7. Don’t expect dinner or a clean house

I think all new parents get a three month reprieve on maintaining a proper home, with proper healthy, at-home meals. A new mom is learning how to be a mom. It takes time. (Remember the pie chart on how a mother of a 2 month old spends her day?)

If you come home to tornado conditions and a crying newborn and wife, take out your cell phone and order a pizza. She will love you for it. Don’t worry, life will go back to normal, just not yet. Cut yourselves a break.

 

8. Finally, do not ask her what else she did today.

To Dave’s credit, I am the kind of person who always has a few projects going, even during the busiest times in law school. He only asked it once or twice before getting the hint — there was nothing else going on right now.

No new mom wants to hear this. You may think this is just a way to ask how her day went. In which case a “so, how was your day” serves adequately. Adding in the “else” at best reminds her of all the things she’s not accomplishing, at worst it sets up the expectation that you think she should be doing more than whatever she is managing to do.

In the fourth trimester, there are no side projects getting done. There is taking care of the baby, and then grabbing a few minutes here and there to eat and shower and send emails. Again, there will be a time when she goes back to old interests and hobbies, but that time is not now.

 

Other parents, feel free to weigh in with what else worked for you in the fourth tri! Every couple probably manages this differently, and I’d be curious to hear your tips.