One of the most interesting and thought-provoking books I read on baby/toddler behavior was Dr. Burton White’s New First Three Years of Life (as well as his Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child). Dr. White studied children between the ages of 0- 3 for 40 years and founded the Harvard Preschool Project in 1965. As he explains, he has observed a lot of children in his research, and these are his findings.
I would recommend reading this before your kid(s) turn one, as a way to hone in on emerging behaviors in your child. What may seem random to you may actually be well-researched toddler behavior. If you read the book concurrently with your baby’s emerging personality, you’ll be able to witness behaviors with a keener eye and know what you might expect in the next few months.
I would stay away from this book if you already have a toddler and are looking for guidance. He’s pretty judgmental (judgmental even as far as parenting books go), and this book isn’t helpful for parents of older babies or toddlers.
[Before we get started, know that I didn’t actually follow most of his advice; I read it for his observations. He gives advice on feeding, bedtime, playtime, and discipline. I didn’t really like any of it except for his playtime recommendations.]
Dr. White outlines key phases in the baby and emerging toddler, with the behavior that you’re likely to see in each stage:
3 1/2 to 5 1/2 Months
This is the happy baby phase. As Dr. White says, nearly every baby is a lovely, delightful and happy baby at 5 months old. Cherubic cheeks, gummy smiles, guffaws etc. This is what you have in mind for the bouncing baby stage.
5 1/2 to 8 Months
The baby in this stage has awakened the larger world around them, and they are incredibly curious. They’ve taken inventory of everything in their home and are gunning to touch it. Babies usually start crawling somewhere in this stage. As Dr. White explains, crawling is a wonderful tool for a small baby, allowing them to finally get to and grasp all this interesting stuff they’ve been looking at the past 7 months.
The danger in this stage is boredom. A late crawler may be getting bored out of his mind, laying there on the floor or rocking on arms and legs. This baby wants to explore and his inability to crawl may be hampering his desire to satiate his natural curiosity.
A bored baby is more likely to whine or cry, just from the frustration and as a way for the adults around him to bring him things to satiate the curiosity. (And, in a bit of doomsaying, Dr. White explains that a bored baby that whines and cries is likely to become a toddler that whines and cries.) Dr. White has a lot of suggestions on how to help the late crawler keep from getting bored, with specific toy recommendations.
8 to 14 months
A baby in this stage is now able to get around one way or another — crawling, walking, or scooting. They have finally been released to explore the world, at their will.
Dr. White clearly thinks this is a joyous time for babies. They’re no longer stuck in one position, they can do whatever they’d like. He also describes this and the next stage as the toughest on parents. A newly crawling or walking baby doesn’t know the rules (don’t touch the fireplace, don’t touch that cord, don’t touch that plant), and so there is really only one way to learn all the rules: by testing each one of them out.
This is obviously maddening to parents. Bean at this stage would wake up some mornings and just run through all the things she wasn’t allowed to do, as if checking off a mental list. Yep, still not allowed to play with the cat food. Yep, no go on the stove. Ok, still a no to dump out all the mail. Mommy still seems to feel strongly about the toilet bowl. We’d run through this list before her first nap.
I’d saying being forewarned that this would happen, through Dr. White’s book, was helpful even though the young toddler was testing my sanity. With a bit of academic remove, I could at least (most of the time) respond in a calm way. I knew she was exploring the rules of the household; I knew it was normal and expected and a healthy development.
14 to 24 months
And then came this stage and FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID. It is nearly impossible to stay calm in this stage, and Dr. White has your back.
In this stage, a young toddler now has a mental list of Things I’m Not Supposed To Do, and now she’ll be working on refining each rule. By this age, she has also created a mental diary of what annoys the hell out of you, and she will use that to explore as well. As Dr. White academically puts it, she’s experimenting with interpersonal power. How far can I go, doing this thing I know I’m not allowed to do, until mommy totally loses it? (On the flip side, this can also be joyful and cute, like when she convinces Grandpa to sing I’m A Little Teapot. She may really just need to hear I’m A Little Teapot at the moment, or she may be experimenting with interpersonal power.)
So. This stage. Refining the no-no rules often looks like the child is doing the same thing over and over again, which is enough to make you pull out all your hair and run for the nearest chocolate. But she may just be doing it slightly different each time to gauge your reaction.
One morning, Bean made sure I was looking at her and bee-lined to our mail basket. She went to dump the mail. No, thank you, Bean. She locked eyes with me and put one little baby finger on the wire basket. Ok, that’s fine, Bean. She put her finger closer to the rim of the basket. That’s fine too, I guess. Then she took the finger and placed it on a piece of mail inside the basket. No, thank you, Bean. Then she picked up a piece of paper she had been scrawling on, and put it in the basket. Then, she slowly put her finger on her paper, inside the basket, and looked at me. I have no idea, Bean.
In retrospect, it’s a funny interaction. She was clearly trying to find out exactly what about the basket was a no-no. But a child doing this to you all day long wears after a while.
Unlike other parenting books, though, Dr. White says that it is natural for parents to get frustrated during this stage, and that it may actually be healthy for the child to see. A child that is experimenting with what she can get away with is well served by a parent’s exasperation — it tells the kid that they’ve just gone too far, asked for one pony ride too many. It seems much more realistic than books telling you to maintain a calm facade at all times.
The good news, as Dr. White says, is that this behavior may begin to recede towards the end of this stage. Or, it may not. This is when his advice and observations get worrisome because…
24 to 36 months
Dr. White strongly believes that a delightful 24 month old will become a delightful 3 year old will become a delightful 4 month old. If you’re having behavior problems at 24 months?
……you’re in for the long haul.
And, this is when I stop reading and hide under the covers. I’m not sure I even made it to the end of the chapter…
