In part of my parenting quest to focus on calm in order to reduce The Toddler Chaos, I stumbled onto an uncomfortable realization: how often I rely on my own physical strength to get Bean to do what I want.

We all do this right? (Please say yes.)

If she’s being stubborn and insisting on dumping out her toys five seconds after I asked her to put on her shoes. If she starts a game of chase just as it’s time to brush her teeth. Doing windmills as I’m trying to pry on her jacket. Even just that she dawdles sometimes as she climbs up the stool to wash her hands.

Sure, I might give her a few verbal demands, increasing in intensity as she continues to ignore me. And getting no reaction, of course I then haul down the hallway myself, pick her up, and bring her to where I’ve decided she needs to be. Plop, down onto the entryway floor to put on shoes. Plop, onto her stool in the bathroom to brush teeth.

And by the time I resort to that, there’s basically no way that I’m calmly looking her in the eyes before I explain that I’m about to pick her up and transport her. I just pick her up.

So, how does this cause chaos in our lives? Aren’t I reducing the chaos by getting her to do what I want in a very effective manner?

The chaos is from her perspective. In my eyes, she is dawdling or intentionally ignoring me. In her eyes, she just remembered how much she loves dumping out her blocks, and she is thoroughly focused on the happy sounds of block hitting ground. And then WHOOOOSH, she’s suddenly in the bathroom. What the what? And once she’s in the bathroom, she starts making her way slowly up the stool when she notices…something? I have no idea…and while she’s staring at it, WHOOOSH, she’s suddenly on top of the stool in front of the sink.

Not only am I interrupting her train of thought, and therefore adding to The Toddler Chaos, I’m also being quite rude. Would you do this to a person of any other age? No way. And yet, here we are.

I firmly believe a toddler can not multi-task. Whatever is currently interesting her is her entire world. By stepping in and wordlessly transporting her, I’m actively contributing to a frenzied toddler state.

So, a few weeks ago, I stopped. She is 2. She is fully capable of walking; I don’t need to plop her down like a baby anymore. I decided that I would slow down our mornings, believing that it was more important for her to learn to get herself to the bathroom than for us to get out of the apartment by 9am.

The first day (which you’re imagining) was…long? She didn’t exactly yell, “FREEDOM” ala Braveheart, but she could have. She quickly deduced that I wasn’t forcing her to do anything, and she took that extra space by the horns and ran with it. Literally ran. Down the hall to flop on her bed, down the hall again to dump even more toys off the shelves. It was a very long morning.

But, I can only control myself, right? And so I’d follow her to wherever she was, crouch down to eye level then make sure she had stopped and was looking at me, before I moved on and told her, “Oh, we aren’t playing with our toys right now. We’re going to the bathroom to brush our teeth.” And then she’d ignore me and I’d say again, “we aren’t playing with our blocks right now. We are going to the bathroom to brush our teeth.”

And I would repeat it over and over again. If I realized that she had now turn it into a game, I would pick her up, but still making sure we were looking at each other as I told her, “Bean, it is time to brush your teeth. You aren’t listening to Mommy, so Mommy is going to pick you up and bring you to the bathroom.” I only had to pick her up once; after, when I got to that speech, she’d pick herself up and walk to the bathroom (or entryway or kitchen, etc) by herself. (Which made me realize how much she probably disliked me plopping her down everywhere.)

It only took a few days for the hijinx to end. I’m not even talking about this hijinx, I’m talking the general toddler hijinx. Two weeks later, our morning routine has been cut down by 30-45 minutes. And there is so much less frustration and toddler stubborness. I think by stopping my own physical contribution to the Toddler Chaos, I gave her a sense of control and less reason to act out.

Next week, I’ll share my methods for getting her to do everything, without relying on force. It takes more mental presence, acuity, and skillfulness (and patience) on my end, but it has transformed our days and almost entirely eliminated the feeling like I’m banging my head against a (toddler-sized) wall. That’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make!