Every week, I walk out of our parent & child Montessori class with multiple tools to make our at-home life easier and more peaceful.
A few weeks ago, the teacher shared her primary rule for a Montessori classroom: “1) Is the child harming another child? 2) Is she harming herself? 3) Is she harming the toy? If the answers to all of those questions is ‘no’, let her be.”
On the surface, it doesn’t sound like rocket science. As the teacher explained, at this age, what we’re most interested in is fostering a child’s concentration. Most everyone would think that sounds about right. In practice, it can actually get kind of tricky.
Is she struggling with a toy and getting frustrated? Let her be.
Is she playing with a toy incorrectly (using her puzzle pieces as a drum kit)? Let her be.
Do you feel like playing with the toy and think her peg people might make for awesome space craft? Let her be.
Is she putting the wrong piece on the puzzle in the wrong way? Don’t tell her it’s wrong, don’t point out where it goes. Is she harming herself? No. Another child? No. The toy? No. Then, let her be.
(Of course, if she asks you for help, you can help her. But, the key is to let her ask you for help or signal that she would like help. If she’s concentrating and focused, but also frustrated? Let her be.)
On the flip side, how do you handle the situation where she actually is harming something? Obviously, if it’s another child or herself, you end it immediately. But, if she’s harming a toy?
The teacher explained that you should try to figure out what she’s doing — say, if she’s using her puzzle pieces as a drum kit and really starting to damage them. In that case, you can step in and point out that if she’d like to play music or drums right now, she can use her actual drum kit/music maker/whatever over-a-this-a-way. Redirect, in a way that fulfills what she was trying to do.
And still, this all sounds pretty basic. But, try to do it. It’s actually quite hard to sit back and not “help” your kid complete the jigsaw puzzle. “HMMMMM, do you see any OTHER red pieces that might match THAT piece???” “What do you want to make in your play kitchen? Maybe a cake? Do you want to make a cake??” “Oh, sweetheart, that’s a Duplo block, it doesn’t go with the Megablocks.” Directing child’s play seems so ingrained that it is actually tough to hold yourself back.
So far, this has been working out well at home. I’ve been doing a lot of redirecting over to Bean’s bongo drums, and letting her paint with glass droppers was an exercise in extreme patience. I’ve felt better about my role in her play, though, and I’m hoping that in time Bean will become more confident playing with complicated toys alone.
