Amy on Alpha Mom brought up Ask Moxie’s Tension Increasers and Decreasers today, and oh, how I wish I knew about this distinction, say, 2 years 8 months ago.

If you’re a parent, you’re likely already aware whether your kid cries as an emotional release and then feels better, or cries as an indication that he’s just getting started. The tension decreaser baby uses crying as a way to get out tension and calm down. A tension increaser baby’s cries will only escalate.

This is especially relevant with sleep, as a tension decreaser baby may respond to crying it out techniques, whereas a tension increaser will just get increasingly worked up, to no avail.

While AskMoxie’s theory is most relevant to trying to understand babies, who otherwise can’t really tell us what’s what, this is a good thing to know about your preschooler/older kid as well.

We always knew Bean wouldn’t/didn’t respond to crying it out. Usually, the problem was that she didn’t cry — she’d happily play in her bed for hours by herself, without sleep coming. (Which brought up the question: can you do cry it out if there’s no crying?) If she was upset, she’d work herself into such a mad frenzy that it was scary to behold; she’d seem truly delirious. And then we’d spend hours trying to get her to stop crying.

Now that she’s older, I can see that she is a tension increaser. Crying is just the beginning. She does not feel better after a good cry; she just feels even worse. That’s why when she’s having a rough day, the answer is not letting her ride it out until she’s calmed down; it’s changing the scenery and getting out.

This is a good reminder that not all babies/kids respond to the same parenting techniques and principles. Other people’s advice can be helpful and informative, but it isn’t as definitive as what you’re witnessing. In other words, don’t let the pressure (from family, friends, acquaintances, random strangers on the street) to do things “the right way” get in the way of doing what you know works with your own kid’s personality.

Does this strike a chord with you? I wonder how this distinction might play out with even older kids.