I read Ellyn Satter’s “How To Get Your Child To Eat (But Not Too Much)” when Bean and I were in the throes of nap time sleep training. Here I was, feeling like her sleep was my responsibility, that if she slept poorly, it was clearly my fault for not fixing it. Basically, I had taken responsibility for the quality of her sleep. Ms. Satter’s Division of Responsibility at the dinner table brought home a different lesson: the Division of Responsibility for baby sleep.

What all parents have to accept is that you can’t make another person fall asleep. If someone told you to stop what you’re doing right now, walk down to your corner store and make the shop owner fall asleep, you’d laugh. It is an absurd suggestion. Think about how absurd it would be to actually attempt to carry it out.

You do have a responsibility to set the stage for sleep, of course. Baby can’t exactly put on her own pajamas. But, once you’ve set the stage, it is up to your child to actually fall asleep.

Ok, let’s break this down into two parts.

1. Give your baby and child everything she needs for a good nap or bedtime.

Know your child’s sleep schedule, and try to do everything you can to put your child down during her sleep window. If your child is prone to getting overamped up while playing, do some soothing activity before sleep (like reading a book or singing songs). Help her learn to self-soothe to sleep.

Make sure she is comfortable. Maybe your baby sleeps better bundled up, maybe she sleeps better wearing fewer layers. It’s your job to figure this out. Maybe she sleeps better in darkness, maybe she likes the door open slightly ajar. Maybe she likes being swaddled, or maybe she likes having a comfort toy to cuddle up with.

If she’s teething? Help her feel better whether through medication or nursing or whatever it is that helps her.

If she’s sick? Add a humidifier.

And, you can always troubleshoot. When Bean started waking up suspiciously close to when Dave got up every morning, we realized his alarm was waking her up. And so we got him a fitness band with built in vibration alarm clock. Random other noises were also waking her up, so we got her a sleep fan. When a creaky bathroom door started waking her up, we fixed it. When I realized her baby mattress was no longer cutting it, we got her a nice, thick toddler mattress.

The reality is that babies are people too, with their own set of sleep preferences. Go ask a close friend how they sleep and prepared to be wowed anew. Everyone has weird little sleep quirks, and your baby will have them too.

But.

2. Accept that you cannot make your baby go to sleep and how long your child sleeps is not up to you.

The actually falling asleep part? That’s on her. You can set the stage as carefully as you want, but you cannot force another person to go to sleep.

Trust me, I have tried. But, you cannot actually force another person to close their eyes and go to sleep. Just do your sleep techniques and make sure she’s comfortable, and then…wait. You don’t have a choice.

The other part? You also can’t force a person to stay asleep. Sleep books give a lot of advice re: extending naps. You should probably try them. But, if you’ve tried them and no dice. Well, no dice. It’s not up to you.

For nearly 1 year, Bean woke up at 4am, nursed, and went back to sleep. We tried all year to train her out of it. None of the training worked, until one day, we decided to train again (doing the exact same technique we’d been doing for a year) and then it did work. In a matter of days. Because, it wasn’t up to us.

For the first 1.5 years of her life, Bean also didn’t nap for longer than 30-45 minutes. I tried everything to extend these naps. I cried when I read about other babies taking one hour or even TWO hour naps. Because I felt personally responsible. And then her overnight sleep fell apart and so I felt doubly responsible: clearly, my inability to ensure good day time sleep was now affecting her overnight sleep because she was probably so perpetually overtired. I had even taught the child to sign “all done”, which she used copiously at 7 months old to tell me she was “all done sleeping, thanks, please stop patting my back, thank you, all done, thank you.” And I still ignored her; that’s the power of baby-sleep-book-induced guilt.

And then, one day, she did take an hour nap. Then it extended to an hour and a half nap. Nowadays, she finally takes two hour naps, sometimes even two and a half or three hours. So, yes, as a toddler, she is now napping more hours per day than she did at 6 months old. I haven’t done anything differently.

Parents, do all that you can, and then stop: the rest isn’t up to you and just as surely isn’t your fault.

Ok, everyone, that is all I have for Baby Sleep Week. I hope you’ve found the series somewhat helpful. If you are having a terrible time with baby sleep, I assure you: it will get better. You will sleep again. I know how tired you are right now, trust me. Go easy on yourself. This is a very difficult thing you are going through, but it will get better.

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(Want more Baby Sleep Week? Check out Pick A Sleep Book, Any Sleep Book, Start A Sleep Diary, Sleep Windows And The Scourge Of “Overtired”, and Self-Soothing Meets Accidental Parenting.)