I just re-read pertinent sections of Ellyn Satter’s “How To Get Your Kid To Eat…But Not Too Much” (more on that later) and this chapter heading rang through my head like a gong.

Is your toddler jerking you around? Perfect.

This used to be my mantra, of how to respond when Bean was doing something notthebest. It was helpful to realize that sometimes, she was just trying to control for the fun of it. By asking myself whether I was getting jerked around, it gave me a second to pause and look at the situation objectively. With that kind of meta-knowledge, it was easy to respond in a calm, reasoned way.

But, as the toddler years have kicked into full throttle, I forgot to keep asking myself; I just started reacting. I need to get back on course.

The thing is, sometimes toddlers are jerking you around and sometimes they aren’t. It’s frustratingly hard to distinguish the two. They are very convincing actors.

If I’m trying to get out the door and she’s running down the hall throwing a coy grin over her shoulder at me, then, yes, clearly my toddler is absolutely jerking me around and I need to stop playing into her game. If she just smashed her toe on the door and has collapsed into a heap on the floor, that’s legit painful and deserves all the mommy hugs.

But, what if she insists that she wants back at the dinner table after she already said she was all done? More dinner! Of course, baby, here you go! After a few water glasses crashing to the ground, food pulverized into placemats, we’ve slowly figured out this is a con game. We should have asked ourselves whether she was just jerking us around. Before our frustration levels reached 11.

Last week, she suddenly refused to put her shoes on, screaming NO NO NO NO. Once she had them on, she limped around, still screaming. Shoes that she had just worn that morning without issue. Of course, I thought she was playing the role of The Obstinate Toddler (which would make me The Harried, Annoyed Mom).

Later on, telling Dave the story and absent-mindedly investigating her shoe, I realized a piece had come loose inside her shoe. She hadn’t been jerking me around at all.  (Related note: cheap shoes are never worth it.)

If I had taken the second to ask myself “Is she jerking me around?” I think I would have been better able to objectively review the situation and realized that she wasn’t. Instead, I was in a hurry and frustrated; she was in pain and angry. Recipe for total guilt (me) and tantrums (her).

Is your toddler jerking you around?